


byoyomi

by LadySeishou



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Experimental, M/M, white spaces
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-14
Updated: 2005-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 14:41:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySeishou/pseuds/LadySeishou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Touya shares a hotel room with Shindou...</p>
            </blockquote>





	byoyomi

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a Valentine for the Hikagoyaoi forum (now unfortunately 404).

fuseki,  
the beginning

one stone 

standing shadow high as a mountain

claiming the world,  
one dimensional king.

 

= = = = =

byo-yomi 

= = = = =

 

Dark.  
Too dark… can’t see…

 

Where is this?

 

Breathe.  
Breathe. 

Breathe.

Dream.

I am dreaming. 

 

A dream?

 

I was dreaming…

again

 

Breathe.

 

Where? where where where

 

wait

 

Thursday. 

 

It is Thursday. 

And Gifu.  
The hotel in Gifu. 

 

Hotel.

And Shindou.

 

Yes.

I am going to play Shindou.

 

Shindou. 

 

it hurts

 

Not now.  
Not here.  
He’ll see. 

Go away. Go away. Go away. 

 

Think about the game…

See it.

The four-five point. 

Shindou likes the four-five point. The upper side. Upper side. And last month… the three-three point. 

He will play aggressively. He will attack. How should I answer?

Gentle hands? 

Forceful?

What should I do?

 

What can I do?

So that he will look only at me?

I need Shindou to look at me.

 

Shindou.

 

When will this ACHE go away?

 

It hurts…

 

This wanting… this… want…

I want…

 

I want to… 

 

Touch you. 

 

I want to feel you. I want to…

My god… my god… my god…

 

Think. Think. Anything. Any game… any game… 

Black… [qd]

White… [dc]

Black… [pq] … White [oc]…

Black[cp] … White [qo] … Black [pe] … W[eq] … B[nd]…W[mc] B[qk] W[np]…[po] [pp] [op] [qp] [oq] [oo] [pn] [qq] [qr] [rr] [mq] [no] [pr] [rm] [pl] [kq] [lp] [nm] [kp] [jp] [rs] [sr]…

 

not again not again not again

 

That game. THAT game.

First one.  
First time…

 

You. 

 

are you looking for someone to play?

 

Your hands. So innocent then. 

Soft. 

Clumsy.

Never-played-before hands.

Your hands…what would they feel like now?

On me…

 

On me…

 

God. Please Stop This.

stop this please stop this stop this stopthisstopthisstopthisstopthisstopthisstopthis

 

hands… 

your beautiful hands  
your strong hands

On me. 

 

Touching me. Touching me. Touching me…

 

I can not stand this anymore i can not… please stop this… please stop this… please…

 

“…stop…” 

 

“Wha…? Touya?”

 

stupid… stupid… stupid… 

 

he’s awake he’s awake he’s awake

 

“Touya?”

Breathe.

“Shindou.”

“Did… say something?”

 

“I…” Your fault. “No.” Your fault.

“Mm. Oh. Sorry. Thought I heard… you say something.”

 

stupid stupid stupid

 

“You must have been dreaming.” 

Do you ever dream about me Shindou?

 

“Maybe…” He’s mumbling and it’s hard to hear him now. “Maybe.” 

 

I dream about you Shindou.

It’s too dark here. I can’t see you. But I imagine your face now. Sleepy. Innocent.

 

“Touya?”

 

Please go back to sleep Shindou. Go back to sleep…

 

“Sorry… about getting here so late. About… having to share your room...”

 

Yes. Your fault.

“It’s fine Shindou. I told you that already.” 

 

Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. 

 

Moving… he must be getting up… don’t…

 

“Dark in here. I’m going to turn on the light…”

“NO!” He’ll see. He’ll see. “Please leave it off Shindou. I want to go back to sleep.” I won’t be able to go back to sleep… 

 

“Oh, yeah. Guess that’s right… sorry. Wonder what time it is.”

Late. 

“Isn’t the clock near you Shindou?”

“I don’t… I don’t see it… wait…” 

 

There is soft light now. Pale blue. There… near you. I see you now. You wear watercolors in shades of blue…

See you…

God.

 

“Guess I covered it up with my shirt last night. Man, it is late…”

 

You… you are… naked… 

 

Turn away. Turn away. Don’t look… don’t look… but…

 

His nakedness is inside me now.

Inside me.

 

And I want…

 

“You’re too careless Shindou.” 

Your fault. 

I know your body now. 

 

The geometries of your chest…

 

“Yeah. I guess so. But it’s pretty hot in here.”

“I hadn’t noticed.” 

Liar.  
Liar.  
Liar. 

 

The delineation of your hip bones…

 

“You know I said I was sorry Touya.”

 

The symmetry of your sexual organs…

 

heat

 

breathe

 

“Touya?”

 

“I said that it’s alright Shindou.” It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. “Go back to sleep.”

“You’re mad.”

 

I am. I am mad… your nakedness has made me mad and god it hurts because now I know it…

 

“I’m not mad.” LIAR “Go to sleep. And if you’re not going to go back to sleep at least keep quiet so that I can.” 

 

He’s moving around again. What is the idiot doing? Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look. God…

 

He is beautiful. 

 

Long. Lean. Smooth. And I want…

 

“Shit. I’m going to turn the light on for just a minute Touya. Just so I can get my stuff.”

 

He’s leaving.

 

“Why?”

“I’m going to find Waya. I think they put him in with Ochi.”

“Don’t be stupid Shindou. It’s late.”

“Look Touya, I don’t want you complaining that I kept you up all night when I beat you tomorrow.”

 

Funny. Funny. Funny. 

 

“Why are you laughing?”

 

“Beat me? Shindou, you are funny.” 

“Glad you think I’m so funny, Touya. You’re going to need that sense of humor tomorrow. Ouch… Damn it. Is the light near you?”

 

He’s leaving.

 

“Shindou, stop fooling around. Just go back to sleep.”

“Can’t now…” 

“Why not?” Why?

Turns his back to me. Pulls his pants on. Too late… your nakedness is inside me.

 

“You know what Touya?” 

I can’t imagine…

“I can’t imagine.” 

He’s still leaving and I don’t care anymore. Don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care…

 

What… was… that…? 

 

He threw something. 

at me

What is this?

“Shit, Touya. I just don’t get you…”

 

His shirt. He threw his stupid shirt at me. His shirt. His…shirt. 

 

Throw it back. 

 

Ha! My aim is better.

“I don’t do laundry Shindou.”

“Well how about this?”

 

His pillow. How original. 

 

But it smells like him… like bamboo under the rain… fresh… earthy… I know this smell. This smell. 

 

It’s in me now too. 

 

I will keep his pillow. 

Your move Shindou.

 

He’s quiet now. Thinking. 

 

“I know I missed the tutoring session today. And the lecture. But I made it in time for our game tomorrow right? And Kawai-san tried…”

Kawai-san…  
Kawai-san…  
Not a pro… not an insei… who? 

“Kawai-san?” 

“He’s… Ha! He’s a regular at the Go salon I go to… sometimes when… Well, he’s a regular there.”

“I see.” And…

“And today… yesterday… whatever… we got into… a kind of an argument…”

An argument. “A talent you cultivate Shindou.” 

He’s sitting now.  
Reaching.  
Fumbling.  
Dropping.

Such large, thoughtless moves…

Yet…

All I see is the graceful flow of his body…

 

“Funny. Touya. Funny. Not with Kawai-san. It was an argument with these two other guys... players.”

 

He leans back on arm and elbow... and…

 

i want i want i want i want 

 

look away look away look away 

 

“They weren’t regulars. At least I didn’t know them.” 

 

look away

 

“And they… ah… well they said some things… things that Kawai-san didn’t like.” 

Kawai…

“Anyway. We ended up playing them and…” 

Shindou and Kawai… 

“Well, I missed the shinkansen. And then Kawai-san drove me to Seki and I caught the last train…”

 

Is this man someone important to you?

 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“I guess I thought you should know.”

 

Is this man important to you?

 

“You won of course.”

“Yeah.” 

 

He’s not telling me something. 

 

Wait.

 

“Well, it’s not like they were much of a challenge or anything. Kawai-san even won his game. Just some players with big mouths.”

 

My move.

 

“But they said something to offend your…” important person “friend.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

The sound of raw silk. He’s rubbing his hands through his hair now. 

 

“Well, they said something about ah… a date.”

“Date?” 

 

friend  
more than  
a friend 

 

Breathe. 

 

“Ummm… yeah. A date. Kawai-san and me.”

 

Breathe. 

Ask him, coward, ask him.

 

“Were you?”

“NO! I don’t! I mean Kawai-san is a guy…”

 

You don’t then. 

 

Not with a guy.

 

So. 

 

I know now. 

 

And which is worse? 

 

What is this emptiness? 

 

 

Say something, idiot or he will know.

 

“I’m sorry Shindou.” moresaysomethingmore “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“No. No. I mean. Well. I like Kawai-san. He’s a pretty cool guy. But I don’t… like him…that way. You know? He’s a friend.” 

A friend. Of course. 

But…

don’t understand don’t understand

 

“Why did the other players think that you were on a date with Kawai-san?”

 

He’s thinking. Patterns on the Go board…. approach… defend… 

 

“Kawai-san… It’s just that… he… Kawai-san likes… he is…”

 

Can’t say it Shindou? 

 

“Homosexual?” 

“Yeah, well yes.” 

 

Are you embarrassed Shindou? 

 

Love is love. 

 

But…

 

The Game… is everything. I know that now.

 

And I…

 

I can live  
in this emptiness.

 

“And it’s not that Kawai-san is ashamed of it or anything. I think that he was madder about what they said about me…”

don’t understand don’t understand

“You?”

lines of attack

“Well, they sort of implied… that I was… that Kawai-san had paid… for me… uh… for my company.”

Ah. 

You are beautiful Shindou. More beautiful than those idiots could ever understand or appreciate. “What did they say?”

“They wanted to know how much they would need to pay after we…after he… ah…. Anyway, I didn’t know. I mean I wasn’t sure what they wanted. I thought maybe they wanted a Go lesson and I told them that I didn’t have the time…” 

 

His arms are folded under his head now. I have his pillow.

 

“But then they said that their money was as good as Kawai-san’s. And then one of them made some sort of gesture with his hand and Kawai-san got really mad. He told them that they were being disrespectful. That I was a pro…”

“And they didn’t believe him.” 

“I guess not. So he challenged them to a team match. I guess so that I could prove to them that I was a pro…”

“Well, a Go pro supposedly…” You are too innocent Shindou. 

“YES…a Go Pro. It’s not that funny Touya.”

Yes it is because I need to laugh now. 

 

“Touya?”

“Umm?”

 

He’s thinking again.

 

“Has anybody ever… you know… confessed to you? Asked you on a date?”

 

Too many.  
Never the right one.

 

sigh

 

“There have been some notes… a few gifts… chocolates in February…”

“Oh.” 

He is surprised. What will you ask now Shindou? 

 

“Have you ever…? I mean, have you ever said yes?”

 

“No.” 

Only you Shindou. I want…  
I wanted only you. 

“There’s no time. You know that. It wouldn’t be fair I think.” 

 

Mother. Alone. Too many nights.

 

“Yeah. You’re probably right.”

 

He’s thinking again. Watch your time Shindou.

 

“But you know… Morishita-sensei and his wife… they seem happy.”

 

Happy? Who’s to say?

 

“I’m not saying that it’s not possible Shindou…” not me not me “Maybe I should say… unlikely?”

 

Who’s to say…

 

“And your parents… your mother and father. When your father was Meijin. And now. Aren’t they happy?”

 

“I suppose.” Are you happy mother?

 

“So maybe with the right person.”

“Maybe.” Time’s up Shindou. “Go to sleep Shindou.” 

 

Turn away from him. Shut out that blue water image. But he is still here and there is a gentle scent here… fresh… earthy… his…

 

“Yeah. Sorry. It is late.”

Yes it’s late. Too late.

 

But we will play tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that… We will still come together in the game. 

 

I can be happy with that. 

 

But it is too quiet. He’s thinking still.

 

“Touya?”

“Um.”

“Has a guy ever asked you…?”

Two. No, three. Maybe four… “A few.”

“Did it bother you?”

“No.” Why ask me? “Why should it.”

 

“Yeah. I guess it shouldn’t matter. I mean you can just tell them them no, right?”

“That’s how it’s suppose to work Shindou.”

 

 

“Have you ever… thought about saying yes… if you had the time?”

God. Shindou. Please. Leave me in peace. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Yes.”

 

“Who was it? Is it anybody I know?”

Shindou.

“Technically, he’s never asked me.”

 

“He?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

 

i can live in this emptiness

 

“Touya…”

“Shindou…” please shut up please shut up please “Please let me sleep. Go to sleep. Or if you can’t go to sleep, get out and go find your friend… Waya. I’m sure that Ochi will enjoy your company as well. Either way, please leave me alone.”

“You have my pillow.”

 

I have his pillow. Yes, I have his pillow. His pillow. 

And now I will return it to him. 

Take It Back. 

Take It Back.

Surprised Shindou?

“Here’s your pillow!”

“Touya! What the hell…”

 

God, he is beautiful. So beautiful. So beautiful.

 

He has the pillow now and his eyes are…

Steady

Demanding

My rival’s eyes

And I need

I need… to touch him. 

 

His skin is warm… so warm…

 

Shindou. 

 

“Shindou, I wanted to say yes but he never asked me.”

 

He moves the pillow under his head and his eyes now are…

gentle

 

 

“Maybe you should have asked him.”

 

“Maybe you’re right Shindou. Maybe I should ask him.”

 

Your lips are warm.

Warm.

Wet.

Willing. 

 

And his eyes. His gentle eyes. He is looking at me now as he answers...

 

“Yes, Touya.”

 

= = =

 

shuban,  
the ending

two souls

warm light  
cool shadow

creating the world,  
infinite in possibilities 

fuseki,  
the beginning

 

= = =  
owari  
= = =


End file.
